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| Maybe I wouldn't be cranky if you weren't showing my bum to the world |
I fed him, burped him, and changed his diaper, and usually, that's enough to keep him happy first thing in the morning. But since today was just one of those days, he started crying immediately as I set him down to play with his toys while I went on with my business (important business, like making coffee). I simply cannot handle the crying that early, so I yelled at him. Why I think screaming in his face when he's already upset is going to make him stop, I don't know. Obviously, this only made things worse. Then, he looked at me with the SADDEST face ever, like "Mommy, please don't be mad at me, I'm trying!" It was that poor little face that made the lightbulb go off- I need to be more patient with him.
Even when I'm exhausted because neither of us slept, even when I haven't had my coffee yet, even when theoretically nothing should be wrong with him because he's fed, changed, and rested (sort of), he's just a little babe and as my mom says, crying is his only way to let me know that something IS wrong.
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| Yes, something is wrong. This hat. |
I already think he's growing up so fast, so when I blink my eyes and he's 15 months old, running around like a maniac, and doesn't need me as much anymore, I KNOW I'm going to look back on these moments and think about how much I miss his little-ness. How much I miss him crying just because I sat too far away from him and he can't reach me, or how much I miss carrying him around all day, because even though my arms get so tired I think they might break, and I start shaking like I might pass out because I really need to eat but he won't let me do anything but hold him- I will miss it. Because there will be one day, eventually, when he won't ever even want me to hold him.
Knowing I am such a sap like that, for one REALLY shocks me because I would have NEVER thought I would be like this, but secondly, makes me think working on my patience with him will go a long way. I hope it will help me enjoy him more, even his fussing. I hope it will help me be more attentive to his needs. I pretty much just hope it will help improve my quality of life.
I stumbled across a quote that sums up my life right now PERFECTLY. I saw it on one of my favorite mommy blogs, but it actually comes from the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
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| source |
I realize this post is getting really depressing, and I don't want this to be a huge downer, so I'll switch gears. Things I'm happy about:
-Yesterday I got the LAST Almond Butter at Trader Joe's.
-I got some really cute new clothes for Harrison (hence the hat picture), and shopping for baby clothes is the most fun.
-Tomorrow marks ONE MONTH til the end of Tax Season aka until I no longer have to act as a single mom
-My hair looks really good today, in a weird dread-ish way
Do you ever feel sad for no reason, or are you one of those insanely annoying people who somehow manage to always be happy?
I truly cannot even imagine how hard it is to be a mom but I KNOW how lucky Harrison is to have you as a mommy! I also know how hard it is to have patience 100% of the time (spoiler: impossible) and then feeling hugely guilty because you lose it on a kid. So hang in there and call/text/facetime me any time you need to vent! Also, I'm quite certain no one would ever accuse me of being insanely happy all the time.
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ReplyDeleteAww what a sweet and honest post. I honestly am in the "what if" phase right now. We are trying to plan around getting ready for Baby J, buying new cars, and just saving money. And then I am still in school and will have a loan and etc etc. I've been partied out for a while, so I'm not really missing that phase, I'm actually in the phase where I'm worried I won't be able to think of enough activities to do with my daughter and that I won't make any mom friends. I want to be an active and involved mom and I'm afraid that I will fail.
ReplyDeleteBasically, I see where you are coming from. But I think you are a fantastic person (mom, sis, gf, all included) and while practicing patience may not be the easiest of things, it will so be worth it :) Glad you shared this post today!
I thought that I'd miss the neediness of the baby stage as Faith got older, but I really don't. That's what you realize as they get older, they still need you all the time, just in a different way. Frankly, it's a lot cuter when it's "Mommy, come play HOUSE with me!" than crying. I freaking hate crying. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post Darcy! You must be such a great mom. I love how honest you are in your blog, it's so awesome.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I think everyone has those "what if" moments no matter what they're doing in their lives. I have them all the time..."what if" Id moved down south with my college bf instead of to NYC, etc etc. It's hard not to second guess everything no matter what. Hang in there!
The twins pulled that crap when I tried to switch them to formula. I thought they would dehydrate, or I'd have to nurse them through college. Just keep giving him one every day until you go OOT, he'll get it. GL!
ReplyDeleteokay, I just totally commented on the wrong post. FML. You get what I'm saying, right? Okay.
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