Dada

It's no surprise that I cannot stand when other moms make false claims about their babies. Actually, one of my only mommy-friends and I have a sport of texting each other when we see a false, delusional claim and making fun of that mom endlessly, while also patting ourselves on that back for not being deranged like that. So, the other night, an event occurred that I don't even know I can share publicly, since I'm afraid that people won't believe it.

Or maybe it's because I don't believe it either. Too good to be true, or something. Keep in mind that my son is nearly 15 months old. He may or may not have said his first word. He was in the bath, and after like 100 times of us obnoxiously saying "dada" in his face, he looked at us and repeated it! Albeit very slowly, like "da......da" but maybe that still counts? Votes? We also were screaming "Yay!!" in his face right after and he looked very proud of himself so again, that counts, right? 

And the silence ends... now. For forever.

Either way, it's going in the baby book so that I can pretend to no longer be paranoid that he's behind and/or has a learning disability. Sidenote: he's actually really smart, and comprehends a lot, so really I think he's fine. Like when we say "Harrison, show us your belly!" he immediately pulls his shirt way up, like over his face, and flashes us. It is the. cutest. thing. If you've never witnessed this side show before, I suggest you find a way to LeRoy, NY to see the Flashing Baby ASAP.

For my next trick, watch me walk around in the shoes of giants

Halloween is later this week. Some of you already know what Harrison and I (and Dave) are dressing up as, but since I have no pictures yet, the rest of you will have to wait. Part of me does not know why I paid money to dress the entire family up for a whopping 30 minutes, while we Trick-or-Treat with a child who hates all humans and all experiences that are outside of his own dwelling, but what's done is done. To add to the misery, Harrison and I are meeting one of my friends at the Strong Museum of Play for their Trick-or-Treating event as well. So, two rounds of Trick-or-Treating for the Boy Who Hates All The Things. It should definitely be interesting, and if all else fails (which it will), at least I will have collected so much candy to drown my sorrows in. Next year, or possibly the year after- if I can stand to wait, I am pulling the "I ate all of your Halloween candy" trick on him to see how hilarious his reaction is. If you think that's cruel, you've obviously never seen the Jimmy Kimmel skit about it... watch that shit now.

Ridiculously large cowboy hats are my FAVORITE 

What are you dressing up as for Halloween?

Weekend Freedom

Just wanted to do a quick Sunday blog post because I can. That's right, mommy is Free.

Let me get into a little back story. The reason why I'm free is a complicated one- Dave and Harrison are in Watertown, but since I am a server, weekends are hard for me to take off, so I stayed home to work. This is the second time in two months that Dave and Harrison have left me to go to Watertown, because they are needed back home to help out with Dave's dad...

At the end of July, Dave's dad got in a very serious accident on their family farm. He got run over by a cattle trailer that had been backing up to drop cows off. Neither saw the other, and Greg was pulled under the trailer for it's entire length. The full cattle trailer had 8 inches of clearance off the ground, so just try to picture that for a second. Greg had a long list of injuries, including but not limited to: both broken hips, shattered pelvis, 16 broken ribs, broken collarbone, 2 broken vertebrae, and both lungs collapsed. I'm sure there were more. After three surgeries, 5 units of blood, a day on the ventilator, and 6 weeks in the hospital, he is finally home, but in a wheelchair while he undergoes physical therapy to relearn how to put weight on his hips, and essentially, walk. He is expected to make a full recovery, but life is definitely changed for the Porter's for the time being.

If I was ever unsure where Harrison got that face from... I know now. 

To read a full article on the accident: Click here

I don't know why it took me so long to write a post about the accident, seeing as it is nearly three months later. I guess it's just hard to put words to such a scary incident. But everyone is so glad that Greg is ok!

Including Harrison, whose new favorite thing to do is run up and down the ramp they built for Greg to get into the house. And also play with the 4398 barn cats.. which frightens me. 

So long story short, I am a free lady this weekend. Friday night, I went out in Rochester with the ladies to see our favorite band (aka to be groupies). Not sure why, maybe because the bar was packed, we hardly even watched them, and instead posted up at the bar for the majority of the night. This worked to our advantage, since my one lady became BFFs with the bartender, who then made us free shots. If anyone knows me, they know I love shots (the song Shots by LMFAO is my #1 favorite song of LIFE), but if there is anything better than shots, it's free shots.

Saturday was spent on the couch for the majority of the day, which is fine by me, because I never get to do that, then followed by working last night.

Today, I slept in til 9- glory of glories right there. I'm now leisurely drinking my coffee, which in combination with sleeping in, is one of the best feelings EVER. Please be jealous of the total of 4 days out of 365 that I get to sleep in.

One last thing, and completely random, but can we all admire two things:

1. How BEAUTIFUL MY SON IS

2. How amazing our photographer is (http://roseannalynnphotography.org/)

How was your weekend?

Do you think sleeping in feels as good as I do??

The Worst Season

Now that it's October, my social media outlets are getting flooded with weirdos praising Fall. Nothing in life infuriates me more than people professing their love for "sweater weather". I obviously live in the wrong region, so maybe I'm the crazy one, but what is so exciting and fun about being trapped, literally stuck inside your house, in 2 feet of snow? Nothing.

I am one of those freaks that are always cold (however, I'm not as bad as my sister). As in, I have a sweater on when it's 72 degrees out. Thus, I really, really hate the cold weather, and in fact- would unofficially diagnose myself with seasonal depression. It's worse this year, since I have an actual toddler to entertain, and my main form of brightening his day was to bring him outside and let him run around like a madman. I know he will still want to play outside, but I cannot tolerate the cold, so it should be a fun battling of wills. Spoiler alert: he will win. He just will.

Can't say no to this face

I also hate pie.

The thought of pie just makes me CRINGE

 Call me a terrorist. All these people are like "yay, it's pie season". Wtf does that even mean? There's a season to eat pie? You can't eat that shit year-round? The only pies I like are non-pies, like chocolate peanut butter pie, and pecan pie, which is basically pure sugar on a plate. Also, pumpkin pie, which brings me to my next point:

The only Fall praise I can give is to the reintroduction of everything pumpkin. Let me list all the delicious ways you can eat pumpkin: pumpkin lattes, pumpkin pie, Joy's pumpkin cheesecake brownie bars, Joy's pumpkin shakes (mom- this is a not-so subtle hint to please make these again this year), pumpkin bagels, pumpkin muffins... Need I go on? 

So all in all, expect me to like you a little bit less (or a lot less) if you say anything about how yesterday, when it was 79 degrees out and beautiful, that you were miserable and wanted cold weather instead. Or if you say anything about how you like snow. Snow is the devil. I wouldn't mind if it never snowed, and yes, that includes Christmas.

How am I supposed to wear this hat though? 

Basically, I need to move to California. Bye, bitches. 

In other news, this weekend was pretty uneventful. I cleaned, Dave and I had some friends over, and I worked. Wait, no, the only eventful part was the Colts' win yesterday over the Seahawks.

 Usually, I get excited when they win (obviously), but it was even better yesterday because the game was actually aired locally. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Why? Because of the damn Buffalo Bills. Again, reasons why I need to move to a different geological area: The Bills suck only slightly less than the annoyance of Bills' fans. Done, I said it.

What do you love/hate about the fall & colder weather?

Are you a Bills fan? If so, leave this blog and never come back.

13 months later

Now that I have a child in double-digit months (14 in a few days!), I've realized how different things are from a year ago with a small infant.

• Life is so much easier. 

To get out the door, all I have to do is make sure he has a sweatshirt/jacket on, sometimes put his sneakers on, grab the diaper bag, and hand him his cup of juice for the ride. 

Oh, and the bear. Always the bear.

It used to be that I would have to time my departure on Harrison's nursing schedule (oh wait there never was a schedule), and consequently nurse him the very moment before I was supposed to leave, make sure I was home no later than two hours from when I left so that I could nurse him again, and usually change his outfit once before we left because he had spit up all over himself. 

Also, with an infant, you can't just set them down and go on with your business. For the first few months, you have to carry them in that damn car seat carrier, which weighs no less than 247 pounds, while also lugging around the diaper bag, that you've packed FULL of bibs, pacifiers, rattles, and obviously- diapers. Quick trips to wegmans can never be quick, because you have to configure the carseat carrier in the shopping cart, which is practically rocket science. 

Plus, if you had my child, you had to be holding him at ALL times. That shit is not easy. When do you find time to make a sandwich? Never, that's when. 

• I laugh like all day.

Can you tell why?

Not that I never laughed with a 3 month old, but the laughing has reached new levels. And actually, I used to cry a lot because all Harrison would do was cry, so I'd even go as far as saying laughter has replaced the tears. 

I'm going to take a second to brag, which I normally never do since what 20-something is going to be like, "I am so jealous of her life as a stay-at-home mom. I wish I never had the freedom to go out and spent all my money on diapers". However, while that is all true, I guarentee I laugh more than all ya'll. What's that phrase, laughter is the best medicine? Because it seriously is. Harrison makes me laugh all day long, and I finally am really happy to be where I am in life. I realize that sounds horrible, because it took me almost 14 months to become a happy parent, but guys, I was working with the devil child, ok? 

And for some not-so-positive changes:

• the poops have reached a new level of rancidness. 

Breastmilk poopies smelled like roses compared to what I'm working with now. Although, to quote the great recording group, Outkast, "roses really smell like poo poo poo". Solid food diapers are easily the worst smelling things to enter my nostrils. 

• Feeding this child is costing us a small fortune.

Kid loves to eat. 

Evidence

  

Especially the most expensive food items, like raspberries. The cost of feeding him for the most part of his first year was free. Free is always better. 

But the fatter the happier

On a daily basis, how often do you laugh? 

Wedding Priorities

Since I'm always claiming that I never have time to blog because of my obsession with Pinterest-ing wedding ideas, I thought I'd do a post on some recent wedding planning progress (Katie take note and please post!) PS- no one has instilled the fear in me that I am behind on my wedding planning more so than Katie.

I've never been one to care about wedding flowers as a top priority. Sure, I'd like the flowers to look nice and I also have a strict no-roses policy, because everyone, and I mean everyone, uses roses in their wedding and I will not be a member of the status quo. Other than that, I really am not too keen on the floral aspect of the event. Sidenote: while I'm discussing my priorities for the nuptials, they include: open bar, and dancing. Done and done. 

Not me? Thanks.

So in a roundabout way, I am trying to say that I haven't been excited about the flowers until now. That's because Wegmans is doing them. I'm pretty much excited about all things Wegmans, for example: Wegmans subs, Wegmans desserts, Wegmans yogurt, Wegmans salad bar, etc etc. WEGMANS IS MY LIFE. I'd have my entire wedding planned and executed by Wegmans if I could. Better yet, I would have it IN a Wegmans.

WEGMANS!! (please excuse the Christmas pjs... it's laundry day)

I'll end my proclamation of love for Wegmans to proclaim my love for a different place: the IB. Geneseo alum need no explanation, but for those of you that had the misfortune of not attending Geneseo, picture the IB as the most magical, perfect bar. The one where you know everyone, including the bouncers who let you in for over even when they know you are not. The one where beers are $.50, but when you are in the mood to take a round of shots (liquid cocaine) with every single one of your friends, those are only $3. The one where every song that is played is the best song. The one where on your last night of college ever, everyone is there, crying, dancing, hugging, and you think life will never be the same without that bar, yet every alumni weekend when you return it's like you never left. Yup, no exaggeration at all, that is the IB. 

This is my impression of mommy after a night at the IB. NAILED IT. 

How does this relate to wedding planning? Because the other night, Dave and I got to the task of brainstorming songs for the wedding playlist (remember dancing is a TOP priority so this was extremely important). Our main verification if a song was accepted on the playlist was whether or not that song was an IB staple. Wedding guests should be prepared ahead of time that our main purpose for this wedding is to recreate a night in the IB. My son has already got the dancing down. Please watch:

This turned out more like a GIF than the actual video, but I'm not mad about it

Facebook Rage

I seriously have some wise people in my life, specifically those that work in the profession of Speech Pathology, because their intelligence on the subject really helped to calm my fears, and get Harrison right on track! Since my last post, Harrison has started to make consonant sounds, like "da", "ga", and "ba", and has on a few occasions, even strung together a couple syllables. Nothing I would officially deem as a word yet, but he's getting there! See, I told you I was a nut, worrying about nothing on the reg! At least I still haven't laid claims that my 13-month old is not only speaking words, but stringing together entire sentences and has begun to master Spanish.

Mastering the Prime of his Asian, though.

But speaking of things that people do that piss me off, I came across an INFURIATING post on Facebook the other day, and thought- why not get the anger off my chest and vent on a public forum? I can't figure out an easier/shorter way of posting it, than by just copying and pasting, so feel free to skip right on down to my commentary after the jump.

Here is the original post, that I was able to see because one of my Facebook friends reposted it from the author:

Dear Mom On the iPhone,

I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.

But Momma, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..

Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her. 

You aren’t.

Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way. 

He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.

Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing. 

Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.

Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.

Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!

Play time at the park will be over before you know it.

The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.

They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”

There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time. 

Because they know…

You’ve shown them, all these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..

I know that’s not true, Mommy.

I know your heart says differently.

But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly. 

May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all.


So let me start off by reacting to the post itself, and then I'll get into the fury I had at the person who actually shared it.

I get that the message is one of care, and a message that we should not take what we have for granted. But I must first point out that the author was a male. Not that males can't love children the way women do, all I'm saying is that I can't know for sure whether this man even has kids of his own, or if he is a stay-at-home dad. The woman he refers to though, seems to be a full-time caretaker of her children. So for the purpose of this example, let's compare a working parent (assuming the author is one), to a stay-at-home one (the Mom on the iPhone).

Meaning, he does not realize actually how much this mom does watches her children. How much her eyes are on them, watching them to make sure they are playing safely, or eating their lunch. And no matter how intently she watches them, no matter how good of a mom you can be, your eyes CANNOT be on your children at every waking second in the day. Because you will, at times, need a break. Yes, you love your children like no other, but the full-time job of parenting is a tough one, and no one understands that better than the fellow mommies and daddies that stay at home with their kids. So, my message to that Mom on the iPhone, is to go ahead and take your much deserved break. Because your kids are exhausting, and if checking Facebook for a couple minutes helps your brain to decompress, in order to be more alert with your children after those two minutes are over, go right ahead.

My other pet peeve after reading that little tidbit, is that I firmly believe that no parent should judge other parents. We all have a hard job, probably the hardest one out there, and whatever way we choose to deal with the challenges that we face, is our decision. Just because you may choose to deal with the stress and exhaustion and demands in a different way, doesn't mean the other way is wrong.

The most exhausting

For example, sometimes when I couldn't get Harrison to stop screaming crying for the first 8 months of his life, I would scream back at him. Like, bloody murder, right in his face. Was that an acceptable method of dealing with the situation? Probably not. Did it work? Nope. But it was what I needed to do to let my frustrations out, so that I could cope with the crying baby in my arms.

Sure, I make fun of moms who are delusional, because they deserve to be made fun of for some of their outrageous claims, but if it makes them feel better to share on Facebook that their 8-month old runs AND says 20 words, then by all means. As a parent, I try my hardest to not judge other parents, so I would hope that my ways of caring for Harrison are not judged either.

Like the times when I dress him in women's necklaces

Now, I will get into the part that actually pissed me off the most- the person that posted this on Facebook. This person shared the link, with the caption "READ." This particular person is not a parent. I mean, unless they have some illegitimate child running around somewhere that I am unaware of, this person has no known children. So why was this Facebook friend of mine reposting a commentary on parenting, something he/she knows NOTHING about? If there is something that pisses me off more than parents judging other parents, it's non-parents judging parents. Please- I don't pass judgments on the way you conduct your career, because I don't know anything about ______ career. So do not post an article about how parents should interact with their children when you have none.

I may not have hand-grown and hand-made Harrison's baby food, and I sure as hell didn't forgo a glass of wine while breastfeeding, and I will be the first to admit that I probably am a little addicted to my iPhone, but I do not need non-parent "friends" of mine judging me for any of that. Have a child first, then talk.

Any Facebook posts of lately pissing you off?

Follower-Mom

When it comes to my parenting, I tend to be a follower. Not in the crazy sense, where if I hear that some lunatics out there refuse to vaccinate their children, I'll follow suit, but more just the little things.

For example, when I heard that other moms had started turning their children's carseats from rear-facing to forward-facing sooner than the recommended age of 2, I was all like, "Yea, eff the American Pediatric Society! What do they know?" and proceeded to turn Harrison's carseat forward-facing right then and there. To be fair, the minimum weight requirement for a child to be facing forward in the car is 20 pounds, and he was like 21. So that was that.

Worked like a charm

Or when I heard that breastfeeding is God's gift to babies and formula is the devil, my decision was a no-brainer. Formula-fed babies are clearly under-developed and less intelligent than breastfed ones.... HA! But no really, not that I had a real specific devotion to or opinion of either option, but my mom suggested nursing because she was a fan back in the day, so there I was, easily convinced and lactating away. Wait, no now that I think of it, my decision to BF was solely based on how many calories it burns a day. You all knew that already though.

Really though, really?

So now that I have an almost-13-month-old on my hands, who barely makes 2 consonant sounds a day, I find myself becoming a follower once again. Sure, every mom freaks out when their child is "behind" developmentally, especially now with the glories/horrors of the internet to instill it even more in us that every other mom has a child-genius, who is saying "mama" and gesturing at their Giver of Life at 6 months old. Sidenote: Impossible. Sidenote: can you tell how frustrated I am with the Moms of Social Media lately?

Not that Harrison is really showing a lack of brain function, since he was ahead of the game at walking and motor skills, and the rumor is that boys tend to develop language more slowly than girls. Even so, there are Internet sources and blogs that have 15-month old children getting evaluated by speech therapists. This is a frightening fact. Even Harrison's pediatrician said at his 1-year well visit that it was perfectly normal for him not to be making consonant sounds, or showing any signs of speech. That made me feel a lot better... until she said that at his next well check-up, if he hasn't progressed, they might need to look more into it. And a month later, we are still at NOTHING.

Being the follower-mom that I am, I consulted my friend, who is a Speech Pathologist, about Harrison's status. While she assured me, as did the pediatrician, as well as my mom, that Harrison is fine and his speech will come in time, I am still having a minor freak out. Because if there's anything you need to know about moms, it's that we are bound to freak out about our children on some issues (some moms more than others).

I have conversations with my bear... Does that count?

The moral of this story is that Harrison needs to talk soon, for all of our sakes. I can tell he gets frustrated when he wants something and can't convey it, and I need a break from the crazy thoughts that float around my head like, "What if Harrison needs speech therapy?", or better yet, "What if Harrison is deaf in one ear and can't hear us talking, which in turn is preventing him from learning to talk himself?!?!" You get the picture. I'm a freak.

joke's on you. 

In life, are you a leader or a follower?