I'm no Makeup Expert

My sister's friend Kara, who is about 3 weeks away from her due date for baby #2, requested I do a makeup tutorial for new moms in one of my blog posts. I found this hysterical, since I know very little about doing my own makeup. In college, I would risk not going out if none of my girlfriends were around to do my makeup (ha! just kidding... I never not went out). To make matters even worse, my best friend, Melissa, is the makeup queen, so she makes my crutch even more pathetic. I do clothes, styling, nail polish, but not makeup.

I did have a brief stint as a Mary Kay consultant. Mary Kay is more about skincare products than anything, so I wasn't as involved in the makeup side of things. Then I became not involved in any of it when I realized my director was a psychopath, and had to email her accusing her of harassment to get her off my effing back. That shut her right up.

However, Kara's request did get me thinking about the few items that I would die without, so let me just profess my love for certain products (any male readers can stop reading now).

1. Mary Kay Concealer - this shit does work. The reason I listed this first is because it has become increasingly more essential to my life now that I get no sleep. It hides the dark circles under your eyes like no other, and let's face it, that is not only excellent for me when I look in the mirror, but also for those that have to look at me. It's never a pleasant sight to see a person with sunken, grayish blue circles under their eyes. It's also never fun to get told how tired you look on a consistent basis, so I just eliminated that opinion in its entirety.

sidenote: there was a b**** I used to work with that would tell me at least one a week how tired I looked and I wanted to slap her every single time. Is that not the most annoying thing anyone can say to you?

2. Bronzer (also from Mary Kay coincidentally, but any will do) - this might just be one of my crazy theories, but sometimes I feel that the less sleep I get, the more pale I look. I'm pretty pale to begin with, and have (recently) decided that the only tanning I will do in a tanning bed is of the spray variety. This is because my sister is a sunscreen freak, as in puts it on every single day, like even if its blizzarding out. My latest fear is that, as 6 years younger, I will one day have older looking, more wrinkly skin, and be forever mistaken for her elder. Verdict: tanning out, bronzer in.

I also can't stand next to, take pictures with, or be in the vicinity of my boyfriend, because something about his 1/16th Native American heritage makes him extremely tan, bordering on ethnic looking. The stark contrast between him and I is not my friend. That's why my bronzer is!

This is us, mid-summer... I thought I was partially tan until I saw this

3. Deodorant - I list this as if it wasn't essential to my life before motherhood. It was, don't worry. Except now... here comes the embarrassing confession segment of the post... I am more smelly than ever. It's not that my 30-second showers don't cleanse me enough, it's that breastfeeding makes some women more odorous. Yet another fact about childbearing that no one tells you. So if you don't know, now you know.. readers.
       (please stop reading now if you didn't pick up on that lyric from the genius that is Biggie. RIP)

I used to read Word Up magazine

So I guess that's only three items, one of which being deodorant. My life is sad. Sad, but not smelly.

The same day I took this photo, I saw a picture of Baby Lorenzo wearing the exact same shirt.  If you don't know who Baby Lorenzo is, you are seriously out of touch with the world of celebrity babies.