No Walk in the Park

I'm back!

Probably not for good, or consistently, but it's a start.

I'm not even sure what to cover because there are SO MANY things. Pregnancy brain leads me to not even remember if I finished my wedding recap, so if I didn't, you are SOL because I'm moving on.

I think that obviously, it can now be noted, mostly so that it's on record for the blog, that I'm pregnant! 6 months.

Pregnancy: the only time I take selfies

I have a lot of observations about my current pregnancy so let's get started...

Dave and I are not finding out the sex. However, that being said, I'm like 95% certain it's a boy. The reason being that this pregnancy is essentially identical to Harrison's. The morning sickness, weight gain (so far), cravings, etc. Sometimes I envision myself on the operating table (oh yeah, that's another point of interest- we're opting for a scheduled c-section since Harrison's birth was such a damn disaster. I mean, other than the fact that him and I made it out alive and healthy) and try to predict what my reaction will be when I learn that we've birthed a second male child. All I can really envision is tears. And lots of them. I'll be drugged up, overtired, and yes, just had a living person taken out of a hole in my abdomen, so.... TEARS. Happy, emotionally-charged, delirious tears.

Then I try to picture what my reaction will be if they say it's a girl, and I'm hoping it's something along the lines of screaming "BOO YA" in Dave's face.

Another observation about pregnancy 2.0 is that it's no walk in the park with the toddler running my life. During my first trimester, I was often so tired and/or sick, I could barely get off the couch, so thank GOD for my husband taking full-time dad status. However, when you're already a hot mess of hormones, overtired and malnourished because you've been puking for weeks straight, and generally just a zombie, the guilt that I wasn't able to be there for my son was the worst part. I would just cry at night sometimes because I had felt like a bad mom that day if I couldn't get off the couch to go help with his bath. LOL pregnancy hormones will really get you!

Reading in a barn, naked... bad mom or good mom?

My second trimester has been a HUGE turnaround, and I actually have energy to chase that little Buzz Lightyear around, so that's the biggest improvement.

Too infinity... and beyond?

I also can perform other human tasks that I wasn't able to accomplish much of my first trimester, like laundry and cooking. Cooking is merely making cheesy eggs 3 nights in a row, but I'm counting it. What the child wants, the child gets. It's a good thing I got pregnant when I did, because my second (and best) trimester coincided with Dave's tax season. Tax season renders me husband-less, so I am grateful to the Gods of Fate that if I had to be acting, for all intents and purposes, like a single-mom of a toddler while pregnant and working full time, I was able to do so during the glory trimester.

I know the pregnancy is huge news, but I can't help but get way more excited and emotional (duh...I am pregnant) to share that Harrison is done with speech therapy! From the countless times I would write on this blog that I was so frustrated, concerned, anxious, etc about his speech delay, I'm just amazed how far he's grown and that he's already caught up! I was trying to write his Speech Therapist a thank you card and there were literally tears raining onto my kitchen counter over the emotions and gratitude I have for her helping him. OMG PREGNANCY WHY- because tearing up now. It's improved everyone's quality of life so much.. he's less frustrated now that he can actually communicate, and Dave and I CRACK UP at most of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. Here's a sampling:

-Tells us he's going to blow the baby away
-Says he's going to put the baby in time out
-Contrary to the above two statements, says he's going to be "so happy" to play with his baby "sister" (at least he's convinced it's a girl).

My ultimate favorite is him just whipping out "I wuv you mommy". Can't even TELL you how long I waited to hear that... Ok, yes I can, like 26 months.

Wuv you too Harrison 

I've heard that the transition from one child to two is INTENSE and I am bugging the eff out about it. Mostly because Harrison is the ULTIMATE mommy's boy, and he will NOT being having it. I could go on and on about all the reasons I'm terrified, but that's boring. I basically just wanted to say that maybe, just maybe, I'll be a little more motivated to blog for the next 3.5 months, knowing that with two children, all hell will break loose and blogging will DIE.

Hope to talk to you soon!

The Wedding Recap You've all been Waiting for

I'm almost ashamed to bring you this post because it's been MONTHS since I last blogged. Real adulthood is no joke people.

So I guess I have a lot to catch you up on, and a lot of the things are extremely exciting, in my little world anyway.

1. I got married!

Obviously there's no way I have the time for a full wedding recap, seeing as though I don't have the time to blog more than once every 4 months, but I will try to hit on the major points.

So rewind to the weekend before the wedding. I went on a bachelorette party for one of my best friends from Geneseo, overnight in Niagara Falls.

It was SO fun, but come Sunday when we were heading home, my freakout begun. 5 days before the wedding and I was freaking. the. eff. out. My friend Emily told me about this Modern Family episode she was watching, the one where Cam and Mitch get married, and the punchline for the entire episode was about their "wedding bump". So her and I were laughing, like "ohh I wonder what my bump is going to be...".

And it was sooo funny until the bump came. And when I say bump, I am not talking in metaphors.

So now fast forward to two days before the wedding. We arrive in Watertown. I was inwardly bugging out, knew I had sooo much to do still, but for some reason, I thought lounging by the pool was the best option. Wrong. Harrison loves to swim, whereas I do not, so naturally, Dave was in the pool with him and I was sunning myself on a pool chair. Here's where my advice to any future parents or parents of small children comes in: DO NOT and I repeat, do not, lift your child out of the pool, and leave them to their own will to run (because you know they won't walk) along the concrete poolside unsupervised.

I'm sure you can guess where this story is going. Harrison falls. Smacks his head on the concrete. I almost don't want to describe the sight that ensued because it still to this day makes me sick to my stomach. All in all, he ended up with a GIANT goose egg, and luckily there was hardly any blood, but any parents can probably attest to this- it was the first time he got really, really hurt, and the scare of it for me was a lot worse than the actual boo-boo (however the boo-boo was bad too). I spent the right of the night crying, inbetween awful thoughts like "OMG what if he has a concussion" or "OMG what if he has a brain aneurism" (parenthood effs with your mind).

Looks like a lot less of an offense here but trust me, huge. 

Moral of the story is this: Harrison's fall really put things in perspective for me, which was a good thing, considering before that, I was thinking the world was going to end because I forgot to procure a garder for the wedding day for the garder toss... or you know in the moment I felt like the all was lost, but reading that back now I think there's no way I thought the world was going to end, right? I'm that crazy?

Some brides are all like, "I would totally get married again tomorrow if I could" and my take on that is: NO NEVER. Not that I wouldn't partake in the best party of my life again, because yes actually I would do that every day if I could. I just mean I'll skip all of the planning, and stressing, and commotion. Harrison didn't appreciate the commotion either. Not to worry though, my photographer is amazing and still somehow managed to get a few pictures of him smiling!

too lazy to find the version with my photographer's watermark. You're welcome, Rosey! 

Another reflection I have about my own wedding was this: you know how you always hear married women saying they never were able to get drunk at their own wedding? 100% true. Which was fine. Until the point in the night when everyone else was WASTED and I learned that the entire party of groomsmen and other miscellaneous friends were out in the parking lot all night taking shots of scotch. So that made a fun ending of the night for those involved... and me not being one of them, not so much. I got adequately tipsy so it wasn't a complete fail, and one of our friends stole a bottle of wine for the bus ride back, so I hit that pretty hard :)

All things considered, it really was the world's best night, best party, best dancing, best company, and best ALL THE THINGS. Dave and I proceeded to attend 5 weddings after our own this summer, and let me say that I thoroughly enjoyed every one of them because the stress of my own was behind me. If weddings aren't the best, I don't know what is.

I guess this turned into more a mini-wedding recap, and I know that's what you all wanted anyways. The next posts I plan to write are The Honeymoon Edition, The Speech Therapy Edition, The Pottytraining Edition, and the Edition of Working Full Time and Failing at Life.

Preview of the Potty Training

Thanks for bearing with me friends :)

I'm Still Alive

I'M BACK!!! Holy shit it's felt like centuries since I last blogged! But I checked- it's only been two months,  so I don't really feel that bad. This post has the potential of being the longest post ever written, but because I don't have the time for that (hence why I haven't written in over 2 months), I'll try to keep it to the more important subjects.

1. Harrison, obvi.

You are all probably wondering if he's talking. Umm not really. Last week, I went ape-shit on his Speech Therapist and things are now finally starting to turn around. He'll say "hot", "baba", "off", "up", "mama", "dada", and a few others but only if he's prompted to say them. He still won't say my name when he needs me or wants my attention. Wait, actually he just won't say my name ever unless I ask him to... which is somehow more frustrating because HE KNOWS HOW TO SAY IT.  She did say milkshakes will help him talk because they are hard to suck through a straw, so it helps strengthen his tongue, and what's better than a toddler with a milkshake? Nothing. Feeding those to him keep him happy for days, and I was told to do it in the sake of medicine and therapy. Hallelujah.

There's no real reason for this picture other than to document his height and growth 

His transition to daycare.... oh boy. I guess I don't want to really get into the trials and tribulations of a 20-month old who is fully aware of the fact that I was plopping him down with absolute strangers every day and peacing on him. It was rough, and still is most days, but um, the positives outweigh the negatives on this one? Or I'll just try to convince myself of that when he's screaming, crying, and clinging to me for dear life.

1. Please forgive our just-rolled-out-of-bed expressions 2. The crab because he's crabby about daycare 3. "Oh snap! Time for bed" IS ANTHING CUTER THAN THAT???

2. Work

My job is going well so far! I really wasn't sure how the transition from stay-at-home mom, to working mom would be, but that seems to not be my issue. I am pretty much 100% focused on work  (and wedding planning) when I'm at work, and don't worry or think about Harrison too much. Sorry I'm not sorry if that sounds bad. The issue I do have with this transition is how to get anything else done, ever. I go to work, I come home and play with Harrison until 8pm when he goes down, at which point I'm physically incapable of doing anything other than sitting my butt on the couch and watching ALL THE HOUSEWIVES. I have so much more respect for working moms who complete basic tasks and life necessities such as: laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning, blogging. How do they do it?!!?!>!


3. Wedding

The month mark came and passed and I felt strangely calm. It was weird. Like I knew I had more projects and tasks to complete, but I felt as though it would all get done in a timely-matter and everything would be fiiiiine. NOPE NOT NOW. Three weeks to go and I am completely freaking the eff out. You know how I just said I don't have the time or energy after I put Harrison down for bed to do anything else? That's a lie. 8-10pm are my wedding hours at which point 10pm rolls around and then I physically cannot even move myself off the couch to transport myself into bed.

4. Bachelorette Party & Bridal Shower

This was ultimately the best day of my life. Well, you know, second to Harrison's birth, but a close second. I don't even know what the highlight was, because there were so many, but I'll recount a few: the limo tunnel, taking a shot while the song "Shots" was playing, my entire Bachelorette checklist (made my creative master-genius sister and MOH, Alyssa Lindsey), my very own edition of Cards Against Humanity (made by the creative master-genius team of MOH and MOB), thinking I lost my phone at the end of the night when really it was sitting on top of my bag the whole time, dancing for 1.5 hours straight, jello shots, etc etc... I think the entire night is best summed up by the joy you see in my face in this picture:

Darcy hearts Kellys

I also got a ton of amazing gifts at my showers and I love them all equally!! But there is one that is definitely the most beautiful:

Modeled on the cute picnic tablecloth that my mom got for my Picnic Themed shower! 

My KitchenAide Mixer!! To be honest, I have a ton of great recipes to try out with it, because it has literally been years of baking without a mixer, hand or stand-alone, BUT I am trying to hold out until after the wedding, because diet. Don't worry, simply staring at it's beauty will be enough for me. My mom, bridesmaids, and ladies went ALL OUT with my shower and bachelorette party plans so thank you, because to reiterate, it was the BEST DAY EVER!!

So that's a pretty lame and quick update on my life. Maybe the next time I'll blog, realistically, is after the wedding, so although I'm sorry it might be another 3 weeks until you hear from me, at least it will be an amazing post. Wedding recap = best ever.

BTW- Happy Father's Day to my Dad, Stepdad, Soon-to-be FIL, and of course, my very own baby daddy who I can call my HUSBAND in 19 days!!

Plentiful Life Updates

In the meantime since I've last blogged, Harrison had his speech evaluation. Any guesses as to the result? If you've been reading this blog for the past 7 months or so, then you would know that Harrison has basically zero words, and I've been a hot mess about it. So, as we all knew, and we now have confirmation for: he needs speech therapy.

It's definitely not a concern to me for anything other than the simple fact that he can't talk. All other areas of him as a human showed average results, or above average! My smarty pants was above average for his cognitive skills, and right on par for motor skills, it's just those language skills that are lacking. So that was definitely encouraging and relieving to hear from professionals on the subject.

I'm sure you all knew that update was coming, and so I feel as though some updates on other aspects of my life would be a little bit more interesting to you.

First off: the chip ban. I have that shit DOWN. Haven't touched a chip since I blogged about banning chips, and haven't even really wanted any, except for the time this past weekend when I went to the best Mexican restaurant on the earth with my dad and sister, and it would have been a crime to not partake in their homemade tortilla chips. I admit defeat, but in my defense, I was being greatly peer-pressured and if I only go to this restaurant once every 4 months then I think it's an acceptable time to allow myself a chip or two. 

The dessert ban, however, failed miserably. What can I say? I want a life where I can eat desserts and I don't really think that is such a bad thing. I better rephrase that though- the dessert ban BACKFIRED. I eat twice, if not three times the desserts as I was eating before the ban. I need rehab. 

Now that I've made you read through a long post of nothingness, I'll reward the few of you that stuck it out and read to this point, because this is the biggest news of them all: I got a new job, which requires me to put Harrison in daycare. My feelings on all of this: excited, emotional, nervous, emotional, relieved, emotional... 

Basically, I can't even think the thoughts that this will be my last full week at home with him or the tears start flowing. I'll be sure to keep you posted on how the transition goes. I know it'll be good for both of us, I know this, but please still say a little prayer for my sanity, as I will be a hot mess when I drop him off that first day. 

Chunks

One of the greatest occurrences of my life thus far happened the other day. Spoiler alert: that was sarcasm. Harrison projectile vomited, numerous times, all over me and this house.

Moms don't have an easy job as it is. Infantile babies may spit up all over you for their first 6 months of life, breastfeeding is no walk in the park, exhaustion is an understatement until your child begins sleeping through the night... which may take him or her 9 months.. ahem.., wiping shit from their asses that smells like the most ungodly scent you can imagine; none of it is fun. However, it kind of just all comes with the title, and you get over it quickly. Hell, I can change a poopy diaper like nobody's business now.

Is it fun when I make you clean up all of the tupperware?

The issue of projectile vomiting is a different playing field, though. Harrison and I were just sitting peacefully on the couch, watching the Today Show, as I drank my coffee and him his juice. He sneezed. I quickly grabbed a tissue to wipe up the snot that was all over his face and as the tissue was in front of his face, the chunks came flying. Some of you may think I was lucky to have somehow had a tissue right over his mouth at the very moment when he puked, but those of you are wrong. I feel like everyone has certain textures that just freak them out, and mine is wet paper. So there I was, holding a dripping wet tissue, which is enough to make me vom myself, then add to that the contents of vomit all over Harrison, me, and the couch.

My fight-or-flight response kicked in, and without taking a moment to consider how gross this all was, I scooped him up and ran upstairs to get him changed. Then came the fun part of having to clean up the puke from the couch, when I became fully aware of the fact that moms do not have it easy.

I wrote that one off as maybe Harrison drank his juice too fast, and his stomach rejected it. Or something went down the wrong pipe. He was acting fine, playing, cuddling, whatever... so I went on my merry way.

No, it's this vile food you feed me

Maybe an hour later, I went into the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal. Harrison came running in after me, as he does whenever I go into a different room, and as my back was turned to him, I heard a loud splash. There he goes again. This time all over the kitchen tile (which I must say, made for much easier clean-up), and himself, again. He started to take a few steps towards me, when another batch came up, and it must have startled the shit out of him, because he came running at me, straight through the wet vomit, throwing his vomit-covered self at me like a bear was chasing him, and screaming crying, because why wouldn't he be? It was a horrible situation.

At this point I knew I needed to call the doctor's office, and a nurse told me just to watch him and not to give him any dairy. That was all fine and dandy, except that I had no idea what caused these three freak events, and I had no way to prevent it from happening again, other than to avoid dairy and feed him only crackers for the remainder of the day. So, I lived in the worst fear of my life for the rest of the morning- that any little cough, or fall, would induce projectile chunks again.

LUCKILY it was only those three times. I've heard horror stories from moms that their babies projectile vomited for a full day, or longer. That is literally the worst possible thing I could imagine. Moms that survive that are heroes, in my book.

This was two days ago, and he hasn't been acting sick since.

As insane as ever!!

Well, maybe except for last night, when he was up 4 different times, crying his little heart out, and that NEVER happens anymore. We think he might be getting a molar in. Since he doesn't have any words to express himself, like for example to tell me if he's hurting, where it hurts, etc etc... I have no way of knowing if my theory is right. This, Harrison, is why you need to learn to talk. Please, I beg of you.

What is the grossest thing that's happened to you lately?

My sister is smarter than your sister

This post comes to you from the inspiration given to me by my genius sister.

Reason #1 why she is a genius: I was texting with her the other night, and the topic of my workouts came up. I told her that I didn't do a work out that day because I've been having pain in my left knee, and wanted to give it a break. She had me describe to her where it hurt, and the type of pain I was experiencing, and immediately delivered a genius treatment plan: ice it.

Why I couldn't think of that on my own, I have no clue, I'm just glad I have access to her endless wisdom. I'm not sure if I hurt my knee during an actual work out, or if its the stairs I run 50-75 times a night (no exaggeration) at work. The impact on my knee while walking/running up and down stairs is when the pain spikes up quite a bit, so I'm gonna go with that one. Either way, it has made both working out, and performing the essential tasks of daily life, like picking up Harrison, less fun. In any case, I can handle a sharp pain here and there, it's not like my knee is preventing me from mobility. I'm just an expert whiner.

Actually that's my title

Reason #2 why she is a genius: I was also texting with her about my new dietary restrictions that I've placed on myself. She came up with a genius plan for how I can stick to them, until the wedding, anyway.

First, I'll explain what they are. The first, and most important limitation to my diet is no chips. I never used to be a chip person, until some little creature named Harrison started growing in my body and took over my brain. I got hooked on chips during my pregnancy, but the chip consumption became more like an addiction while I was nursing. As you all know, I was unable to put down my son for 90% of my waking hours, so in my extreme hunger levels, I would turn to chips as an easy, one-handed food item. I find chips so good because they are SO SALTY. I swear my brain now fiends for salt similar to how a crack addict would fiend for crack. The chip-ban is not just for purposes of healthy eating and hopeful weight loss, it is me putting myself into rehab for salt.

BUT SALT IS GOOD

So far, I feel pretty strongly about this chip ban. It's only been a week, but I have a lot of confidence in myself that I can make this last until the wedding. Mostly because I'm not completely taking salt out of my diet, so I still can indulge in a salty snack when necessary. Like light popcorn, or something.

It's the second food limitation that I'm gonna struggle with, and where my sister's plan came into play. It's dessert. Gets me every time. My sweet tooth is not my friend. So knowing my sister has cut sweets out of her diet from time to time, I asked her how it's even humanly possible. Her response, if you couldn't guess- genius. She instructed me to make my dessert-ban public, and that way I'll feel pressured into sticking with it.

This one also, clearly, has a sweet tooth

I'm not trying to not eat a sweet for four whole months, because that is 1. a highly unrealistic goal for me and 2. majorly effing depressing. However, I am going to try to cut my dessert intake to one a week. Please blog friends, hold me to that. Again, although this one intimidates me a lot more than the chip-ban, I hope I can achieve my goal since I still will have sugar in other forms. For example, coffee creamer, hard cider, cereal, etc etc... I know these are not revolutionary diet tricks, and I might not even lose any weight from it, but it's just a way for me to try to cut back on certain high-calorie items that I am known to overindulge on.

What is your food weakness?

Gifts from my Loved Ones on Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day! I'm usually not one to brag, and I try to keep myself away from social media on days like today, because the people that are bragging really annoy me, but this is a much more confined outlet to brag on than Facebook, so I'm gonna go for it.

Dave completely surprised me with an early Valentines Day celebration last night! I'm working all weekend, and he has to stay very late at work during the week due to tax season, so I figured that Valentines Day was out this year. However, he came home earlier than I expected last night so that we could actually celebrate. He was equipped with a bouquet of flowers, a card, a bottle of champagne, and even went to the extent to wrap the present he had gotten me. I then felt like a horrible person and complete failure, because all I had gotten him was a card, and had the fanciest of all dinners planned: grilled chicken breast salads. Whoops.

The present was a Patagonia jacket, and it was a complete surprise! I think I had mentioned in passing, like once, that I had always wanted a Patagonia, but it was more just me throwing it out there whimsically, with no intent of it being a hint for him to get me one. But, I'm lucky and it worked!

Harrison's gift to me today was being the crankiest, whiniest person of all the land. So then I drugged him, because he's getting a molar in and I attributed his horrible attitude to that. His other gift to me is the gift of needing Speech Therapy. Yes, all of my whining over the past six months has been justified, and his pediatrician on Monday confirmed that his speech is delayed. I think everyone thinks I will be a mess over this news, and is really worried for me. While I appreciate the concern, I'm actually relieved by the news because this means we can start working with him, and hopefully see results soon! I can tell he's getting really frustrated at times without words, which in turn makes me frustrated. I also get really frustrated seeing other kids his age being able to full-on communicate with their parents, and master words like "apple" and "brother", while Harrison can't even manage a "dada" half the time, and better yet, "mama" is nonexistent. The evaluator comes on Tuesday, and I'm sure I'll have some riveting updates to share about his sessions.

Tonight I will be going to work, to one of the most horrid days a server can possibly endure. Sorry if any of you reading this plan to go out to dinner with your loved ones tonight. Please, by all means, enjoy your dinner and don't listen to a word I just said!

Do you have any plans for Valentines Day?

The Exercise Diaries

The last time I blogged, I introduced you all to Operation Jillian Michaels is trying to Kill Me. Well, so far, no deaths have occurred, so I'd say it's going well! I realize this is not a fitness blog, by any means, but I am slightly proud of my persistence with an actual exercise plan, so I'll discuss.

As a little background, my previous fitness routine included working out maybe once every two months. Maybe. So, bear that in mind. Week 1 I ended up working out four times. Four out of Seven is pretty good considering I was coming from Zero out of 60+. The way 30 Day Shred is designed, there are three levels, and you start with Level 1 and work your way up to Levels 2 and 3, supposedly after 10 days of each. Well, I got extremely bored with Level 1 quick, and like a fool, thought Level 2 wouldn't be that much harder, so I skipped ahead. Bad choice. Now I'm stuck on Level 2, getting bored with it, attempted Level 3 once and now I feel like I will never voluntarily put myself through that hell again. So week 2, I was alternating between Level 2 of 30 Day Shred, and a couple of Jillian's other workouts, in order to avoid Level 3. Weeks 2 and 3, I increased the frequency of days from four to five, and have tried to keep myself working out five times a week since. Let's be real, I am NOT one to work out seven days a week, just no.

Watching you work out is exhausting

I can definitely notice an improvement in my strength. However, with national holidays like the Super Bowl interfering with me not eating all the things, I have not lost any weight. I'm not really freaking out about that part, because I have plenty of time to do so, and I really do believe my fat is like transforming itself into muscle. Please, if you disagree, do not crush my hopes.

I laugh at your expense

Yesterday, I took a Power Vinyasa yoga class with my friend Anna and fell IN LOVE. I used to be a Bikram yoga supporter, which if you are unaware, is done in a 100+ degree room. Yesterday's class was only at 85-90 degrees, and it felt like the perfect temperature. I was still hot, and sweating profusely, but it wasn't a heat that made me see stars and think I would pass out at any given moment. If the price tag for these classes wasn't so high, or the fact that the closest studio is 40 minutes away, I'd be hooked.

Harrison-wise, I am completely ready for his 18-month well visit (which is in four days) for the doctor to confirm my beliefs that he needs to be evaluated by a Speech Therapist. I am surprisingly calm about this topic though, because besides his speech delay, he's a little smarty pants. I know I claim this all the time, and you are probably thinking "how can the kid be smart? He hasn't even figured out how to talk", and that is a valid point. But, he has shown his incredible intelligence in many ways. For instance, the time he knew breastmilk straight from the source is better, so he just rejected a bottle for the rest of his days.

My evil plan worked!

If you workout on a regular basis, what is your regimen like? I need suggestions- clearly, I get bored quick. Also, I hate running, so that's out.

The taxes are the death of me

It's that time of year again. The time when I, for all intents and purposes, become a single parent. Tax season is upon us, and with Dave working 65+ hours a week for the next lifetime, aka until April 15, I get (mostly) full-time care of our little monster.

Who are you calling monster?

Last year during tax season was really hard for me, because as you all know, I was blessed with the world's fussiest baby. So I would spent full days either yelling, moping, or crying myself along with my crying baby. I was so lucky to have amazing friends and family that would come over and keep me company, and unbeknownst to them, keep me sane. It helped that we were in Brockport, because it was a little closer to the bulk of my people. Now, being out in Le Roy, we might as well be in a different country, because I don't like to drive to Rochester any more than the people in Rochester like the drive to Le Roy.

Do people not want to see this face?

This time around should be a little bit easier, although I'm sure I just jinxed myself by writing that. For one, Harrison is a much happier, mild-mannered human now. He for sure still gets in his moods, but those are easier to deal with because he now understands "no" and the tempered sound of my voice. And by understands, I mean fears. He also is obsessed with his Baby Einstein DVDs. Something about those movies can literally hypnotize children. And before you jump to conclusions and try to tell me that children his age shouldn't be watching any TV, let me say, quite frankly: I don't give a shit. My pediatrician said he can watch up to two hours a day (which does seem like a lot), so when I pop in one half hour DVD a day, I think he'll make it. Happy mom, happy baby. Actually with this relationship, I think it's more like happy baby, happy mom.

Do this look happy to you?

In other Harrison developments, he has learned a few key life lessons recently. For one, he has learned that he can open cabinets that will reveal fun objects of all shapes and sizes. In his mind, these are toys. In reality, we know those are not toys. Cups, plates, tupperware, etc.. are not toys. They are actually objects I will have to clean after he drags them all over the kitchen floor. But if the mantra of my life is now, "Happy baby, happy mom", then so be it.

He has also learned how to climb up his slide. This will help him to avoid playground bullying in his later years.

So B.A.

Finally, and most importantly, he has learned the workings of an iPhone better than some adults. He can get the phone off of it's lock screen, proceed to find the folder on my phone that has all of his apps in it, and choose said apps to entertain himself. It frightens me.

100

Hello, friends! Somehow I have made it to the 100th post! I can't believe that I started this blog when I was pregnant, thinking no one but my sister and parents would read it, and being more than content with that. Now, I had a toddler, and way more readers than I could have ever imagined, who actually think some of what I say is funny, which I also could have never imagined.

I wanted to do something special for the 100th post, but in failing to think of anything, I will just list a bunch of random things about me, my life, and Harrison (mostly Harrison):

1. For starters, having a blog is a great confidence booster. If you are ever in a slump, and feeling really bad about yourself, just write a blog post about how depressed and awful you are, and everyone will comment nice things.

2. Harrison is finally back to drinking milk. It was funny, because for the first year of his life, breastmilk was his favorite of all the things. Then, because babies are the pickiest creatures, you try to switch them to cow's milk, and you get a big hell no. I was really concerned about him not drinking milk, obviously for developmental and health reasons, but primarily because he is the spawn of dairy farmers. You cannot have the grandson of the dairy farmer not drink milk.

3. He is almost a year and a half old (in 24 days). How did this happen? He also still does not speak, which is an issue.

Come get me, ladies

4. Harrison is starting to push our buttons. I was talking to my sister around Thanksgiving, and praising him for being such a good listener and so well-behaved. Have I NOT LEARNED ANYTHING in the 17 months since giving him life? Parents, listen closely: you cannot comment on your child's behaviors out loud unless you want to permanently jinx them and have them do a 180 on you. So now he likes to not listen when we say "no", climb his little ass up the stairs by himself, pull my coffee mug, which is full of coffee, off the end table and present it to me like it's nbd, etc etc... It's getting fun around here.

I swear those aren't horns

5. It actually is a really fun stage to be in with him. Sarcasm aside, obviously he does not come without his challenges, but his insanity is hilarious. The kid is psychotic but in a funny way, if that makes sense.

6. I have a fair share of pet peeves. Drivers who post up in the left lane on the highway. Carrots. When desserts don't have frosting. A more recently developed pet peeve of mine is the clothing section for babies. Easily, there is 5x the amount of girls' clothes than boys' and the girls' stuff is way cuter. Anyone who shops for babies knows this.

7. The Colts won their first playoff game ever last Saturday! I have this theory for the upcoming game (which is tomorrow) that if I really, truly visualize them winning, they will just win. I know that is a load of crap in reality, but I'm sticking with it.

If you think dressing him in Colts attire helped them win too, then you are correct

8. Harrison's favorite things:

• Food: Reeses Peanut Butter Cups/Ice Cream. Not even kidding. Also, fruit.
• Book: Where's Spot, courtesy of Joy Roberts for gifting it to him.
• Christmas Toy: this god damn LeapFrog Laptop . Now I want to chuck it through a window and never look back.
• Favorite thing of all time: Mr. Bear. Definitely Mr. Bear.

9. Instead of a New Years Resolution, I decided on a Wedding Resolution.. so basically the same thing, I just have extra motivation since the word "wedding" is involved. I have never been one to exercise. Not just that I don't exercise, but I actually despise it. But like any bride-to-be, I have high (and very distant) hopes of being fit and toned come the wedding day. So as a test to myself, I am attempting to complete 30 days of "30 Day Shred" by Jillian Michaels. If anyone has done one of her workouts, you basically want to die the entire time, which is not helped by the fact that she is screaming through the TV at you, "YOU SHOULD FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE RIGHT NOW!!!" "30 Day Shred" is one of her shorter workouts, so I feel as though I can work my way into the habit of working out every day, since it's a minimal amount of time. I'm on Day 4, only 26 left to go. 

10.  100 posts later, thank you for reading this blog and not thinking how sad and pathetic my life is. Actually, some of you may think that, which is fine because it's true, but thank you for not commenting those thoughts! 

Christmas-y Things

I went through and did some major renovations to my blog. After deleting some draft posts that never got published, I realized that this is actually post 99, not 100 like I previously claimed. Sorry to be a tease! This post will be full of a lot less excitement, and a lot more whining.

Dave's cousin is a Speech Pathologist- aka my favorite type of person lately. While we were in Watertown over the Thanksgiving holiday, she volunteered to do an evaluation on Harrison. Once again, she volunteered. I know I am psycho about his speech delay, but I just wanted to make it clear for the record that the evaluation was not something I proposed. The results were a little disheartening, but not a total scare... yet. He is a little behind where he should be at this point. So not great, but not bad either.

just like our double chins: not great, but not bad either

 However, if in two months, he hasn't shown any progress, then we are in a little more trouble, and might have to pursue the issue with his pediatrician/specialists. Obviously two months is a LOT of time, especially for someone who's brain is growing at a rapid pace, but the anxious mom over here is also like, but its only two months. Actually now more like 7 weeks. I hope my Speech Pathologist friends (you know who you are) are ready for me to talk their ears off!!

As you all know, I have an extremely lame social life and only have plans once every two months, on average. So when one of those rare occasions pops up, I'm basically looking forward to it obsessively for weeks. One of those events is coming up! My friend Anna is hosting a Christmas Dinner at her house, and it's the Second-Annual, which obviously makes it even more exciting. I can't decide what I'm more thrilled about: the fact that last year I was breastfeeding, and had to limit my wine intake, and this year I sure as hell don't have to, or that her house is literally 30 seconds around the corner from my parents, so there has never been an easier babysitting solution. Both, I think. I actually just love the Christmas season for the fact that it's the perfect excuse to throw parties, which leads me to feel really popular.

Christmas is also great for outfits like this

If anyone was wondering how my hiatus from Facebook was going- I'm loving it, actually. I had to log back in today temporarily to message someone whose contact information I would not know otherwise, but promptly re-deactivated once I fulfilled my conversation. It's basically the best of both worlds, because this way, I don't have to see everyone else's SHIT (yes that had to be capitalized for emphasis), and Dave informs me of all of the big, exciting, relevant news (like his friends getting engaged over the weekend! Congrats you two, who I don't think are readers anyway).

We got our tree over the weekend. After getting it home, we realized the fullness of the branches is extremely one-sided, but with some reorganization of our furniture, we have successfully made the tree look symmetrical. The good news is that Harrison HATES the prickly-ness, so we were able to decorate it, and put all of our presents under it, with no tampering from the toddler. That in itself is the biggest victory of them all. I'm also, for once, really ahead on things, like shopping, wrapping, decorating, etc etc... Here is some proof:

The main takeaway you should have from this picture is that I made those curtains

I have never been prouder of anything in my life

Are you ready for Christmas yet?

Random Holiday List

Ok guys, I know. I haven't blogged in a while. This will be my 99th post and I think I'm just scared of approaching the 100 mark because I know I'll never write a post as exciting as the 100th post should be. Just wait about 10 months and I'll have finally conjured something up.

And here's this beautiful sight in the meantime 

Let's do a list so I can catch you all up on all the excitement:

• Harrison has progressed from "dada" and "gaga" and has said an actual word: Dog.

I'm only counting it because I've heard a real solid "dog" out of him about four times. I will flip through books with him, and point at a dog, and ask him what it is, and he kinda stutters and makes some clucking noises, then finally manages a "d" and a "g" in some concoction that is definitely not English, but I'm counting it. 

• The holidays are approaching rapidly and I am not ready.

Actually, I have completed the gift purchasing for one family member, and Dave and I agreed to not do gifts this year as an attempt to budget (ha!) for our wedding, and Harrison doesn't know what the hell Christmas even is, so I guess that knocks out a few more. When people ask me what I'm getting for Harrison for Christmas, and I tell them a sled and that's it, and they proceed to look at me all horror-stricken, I think: and that's why the human race is greedy. A one year old will be perfectly happy with a sled, because he doesn't realize there are millions of other toys that he could have gotten in addition. I'm saving myself now while I can. Plus, let's not pretend that all of his other family members will spoil him. Let's also not pretend I fully intend to get him a puppy one year for Christmas so there's that too. 

I LOVE PUPPIES

• I removed myself from Facebook... temporarily.

Until I can't last any longer. My main reason for deactivating was that I felt it took me too much away from Harrison. Not that I won't be on my phone every now and then to text, Instagram, or check Twitter, but I felt that checking Facebook on the reg not only distracted me from Harrison, I just felt like I was getting to the point where the majority of what I saw on Facebook was negative and/or annoying me. I really don't care about some bitch that wore blue eyeshadow to your class. Not to say I'm above indulging in a good Facebook stalk every now and then, but I just really don't care about most other people. Sorry I'm not sorry.

• Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I plan to eat all the things.

  

  SAMESIES

And drink all the things. That's all. 

Are you as excited to stuff your face for Thanksgiving as I am? 

Dada

It's no surprise that I cannot stand when other moms make false claims about their babies. Actually, one of my only mommy-friends and I have a sport of texting each other when we see a false, delusional claim and making fun of that mom endlessly, while also patting ourselves on that back for not being deranged like that. So, the other night, an event occurred that I don't even know I can share publicly, since I'm afraid that people won't believe it.

Or maybe it's because I don't believe it either. Too good to be true, or something. Keep in mind that my son is nearly 15 months old. He may or may not have said his first word. He was in the bath, and after like 100 times of us obnoxiously saying "dada" in his face, he looked at us and repeated it! Albeit very slowly, like "da......da" but maybe that still counts? Votes? We also were screaming "Yay!!" in his face right after and he looked very proud of himself so again, that counts, right? 

And the silence ends... now. For forever.

Either way, it's going in the baby book so that I can pretend to no longer be paranoid that he's behind and/or has a learning disability. Sidenote: he's actually really smart, and comprehends a lot, so really I think he's fine. Like when we say "Harrison, show us your belly!" he immediately pulls his shirt way up, like over his face, and flashes us. It is the. cutest. thing. If you've never witnessed this side show before, I suggest you find a way to LeRoy, NY to see the Flashing Baby ASAP.

For my next trick, watch me walk around in the shoes of giants

Halloween is later this week. Some of you already know what Harrison and I (and Dave) are dressing up as, but since I have no pictures yet, the rest of you will have to wait. Part of me does not know why I paid money to dress the entire family up for a whopping 30 minutes, while we Trick-or-Treat with a child who hates all humans and all experiences that are outside of his own dwelling, but what's done is done. To add to the misery, Harrison and I are meeting one of my friends at the Strong Museum of Play for their Trick-or-Treating event as well. So, two rounds of Trick-or-Treating for the Boy Who Hates All The Things. It should definitely be interesting, and if all else fails (which it will), at least I will have collected so much candy to drown my sorrows in. Next year, or possibly the year after- if I can stand to wait, I am pulling the "I ate all of your Halloween candy" trick on him to see how hilarious his reaction is. If you think that's cruel, you've obviously never seen the Jimmy Kimmel skit about it... watch that shit now.

Ridiculously large cowboy hats are my FAVORITE 

What are you dressing up as for Halloween?

Weekend Freedom

Just wanted to do a quick Sunday blog post because I can. That's right, mommy is Free.

Let me get into a little back story. The reason why I'm free is a complicated one- Dave and Harrison are in Watertown, but since I am a server, weekends are hard for me to take off, so I stayed home to work. This is the second time in two months that Dave and Harrison have left me to go to Watertown, because they are needed back home to help out with Dave's dad...

At the end of July, Dave's dad got in a very serious accident on their family farm. He got run over by a cattle trailer that had been backing up to drop cows off. Neither saw the other, and Greg was pulled under the trailer for it's entire length. The full cattle trailer had 8 inches of clearance off the ground, so just try to picture that for a second. Greg had a long list of injuries, including but not limited to: both broken hips, shattered pelvis, 16 broken ribs, broken collarbone, 2 broken vertebrae, and both lungs collapsed. I'm sure there were more. After three surgeries, 5 units of blood, a day on the ventilator, and 6 weeks in the hospital, he is finally home, but in a wheelchair while he undergoes physical therapy to relearn how to put weight on his hips, and essentially, walk. He is expected to make a full recovery, but life is definitely changed for the Porter's for the time being.

If I was ever unsure where Harrison got that face from... I know now. 

To read a full article on the accident: Click here

I don't know why it took me so long to write a post about the accident, seeing as it is nearly three months later. I guess it's just hard to put words to such a scary incident. But everyone is so glad that Greg is ok!

Including Harrison, whose new favorite thing to do is run up and down the ramp they built for Greg to get into the house. And also play with the 4398 barn cats.. which frightens me. 

So long story short, I am a free lady this weekend. Friday night, I went out in Rochester with the ladies to see our favorite band (aka to be groupies). Not sure why, maybe because the bar was packed, we hardly even watched them, and instead posted up at the bar for the majority of the night. This worked to our advantage, since my one lady became BFFs with the bartender, who then made us free shots. If anyone knows me, they know I love shots (the song Shots by LMFAO is my #1 favorite song of LIFE), but if there is anything better than shots, it's free shots.

Saturday was spent on the couch for the majority of the day, which is fine by me, because I never get to do that, then followed by working last night.

Today, I slept in til 9- glory of glories right there. I'm now leisurely drinking my coffee, which in combination with sleeping in, is one of the best feelings EVER. Please be jealous of the total of 4 days out of 365 that I get to sleep in.

One last thing, and completely random, but can we all admire two things:

1. How BEAUTIFUL MY SON IS

2. How amazing our photographer is (http://roseannalynnphotography.org/)

How was your weekend?

Do you think sleeping in feels as good as I do??

The Worst Season

Now that it's October, my social media outlets are getting flooded with weirdos praising Fall. Nothing in life infuriates me more than people professing their love for "sweater weather". I obviously live in the wrong region, so maybe I'm the crazy one, but what is so exciting and fun about being trapped, literally stuck inside your house, in 2 feet of snow? Nothing.

I am one of those freaks that are always cold (however, I'm not as bad as my sister). As in, I have a sweater on when it's 72 degrees out. Thus, I really, really hate the cold weather, and in fact- would unofficially diagnose myself with seasonal depression. It's worse this year, since I have an actual toddler to entertain, and my main form of brightening his day was to bring him outside and let him run around like a madman. I know he will still want to play outside, but I cannot tolerate the cold, so it should be a fun battling of wills. Spoiler alert: he will win. He just will.

Can't say no to this face

I also hate pie.

The thought of pie just makes me CRINGE

 Call me a terrorist. All these people are like "yay, it's pie season". Wtf does that even mean? There's a season to eat pie? You can't eat that shit year-round? The only pies I like are non-pies, like chocolate peanut butter pie, and pecan pie, which is basically pure sugar on a plate. Also, pumpkin pie, which brings me to my next point:

The only Fall praise I can give is to the reintroduction of everything pumpkin. Let me list all the delicious ways you can eat pumpkin: pumpkin lattes, pumpkin pie, Joy's pumpkin cheesecake brownie bars, Joy's pumpkin shakes (mom- this is a not-so subtle hint to please make these again this year), pumpkin bagels, pumpkin muffins... Need I go on? 

So all in all, expect me to like you a little bit less (or a lot less) if you say anything about how yesterday, when it was 79 degrees out and beautiful, that you were miserable and wanted cold weather instead. Or if you say anything about how you like snow. Snow is the devil. I wouldn't mind if it never snowed, and yes, that includes Christmas.

How am I supposed to wear this hat though? 

Basically, I need to move to California. Bye, bitches. 

In other news, this weekend was pretty uneventful. I cleaned, Dave and I had some friends over, and I worked. Wait, no, the only eventful part was the Colts' win yesterday over the Seahawks.

 Usually, I get excited when they win (obviously), but it was even better yesterday because the game was actually aired locally. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Why? Because of the damn Buffalo Bills. Again, reasons why I need to move to a different geological area: The Bills suck only slightly less than the annoyance of Bills' fans. Done, I said it.

What do you love/hate about the fall & colder weather?

Are you a Bills fan? If so, leave this blog and never come back.