The taxes are the death of me

It's that time of year again. The time when I, for all intents and purposes, become a single parent. Tax season is upon us, and with Dave working 65+ hours a week for the next lifetime, aka until April 15, I get (mostly) full-time care of our little monster.

Who are you calling monster?

Last year during tax season was really hard for me, because as you all know, I was blessed with the world's fussiest baby. So I would spent full days either yelling, moping, or crying myself along with my crying baby. I was so lucky to have amazing friends and family that would come over and keep me company, and unbeknownst to them, keep me sane. It helped that we were in Brockport, because it was a little closer to the bulk of my people. Now, being out in Le Roy, we might as well be in a different country, because I don't like to drive to Rochester any more than the people in Rochester like the drive to Le Roy.

Do people not want to see this face?

This time around should be a little bit easier, although I'm sure I just jinxed myself by writing that. For one, Harrison is a much happier, mild-mannered human now. He for sure still gets in his moods, but those are easier to deal with because he now understands "no" and the tempered sound of my voice. And by understands, I mean fears. He also is obsessed with his Baby Einstein DVDs. Something about those movies can literally hypnotize children. And before you jump to conclusions and try to tell me that children his age shouldn't be watching any TV, let me say, quite frankly: I don't give a shit. My pediatrician said he can watch up to two hours a day (which does seem like a lot), so when I pop in one half hour DVD a day, I think he'll make it. Happy mom, happy baby. Actually with this relationship, I think it's more like happy baby, happy mom.

Do this look happy to you?

In other Harrison developments, he has learned a few key life lessons recently. For one, he has learned that he can open cabinets that will reveal fun objects of all shapes and sizes. In his mind, these are toys. In reality, we know those are not toys. Cups, plates, tupperware, etc.. are not toys. They are actually objects I will have to clean after he drags them all over the kitchen floor. But if the mantra of my life is now, "Happy baby, happy mom", then so be it.

He has also learned how to climb up his slide. This will help him to avoid playground bullying in his later years.

So B.A.

Finally, and most importantly, he has learned the workings of an iPhone better than some adults. He can get the phone off of it's lock screen, proceed to find the folder on my phone that has all of his apps in it, and choose said apps to entertain himself. It frightens me.

100

Hello, friends! Somehow I have made it to the 100th post! I can't believe that I started this blog when I was pregnant, thinking no one but my sister and parents would read it, and being more than content with that. Now, I had a toddler, and way more readers than I could have ever imagined, who actually think some of what I say is funny, which I also could have never imagined.

I wanted to do something special for the 100th post, but in failing to think of anything, I will just list a bunch of random things about me, my life, and Harrison (mostly Harrison):

1. For starters, having a blog is a great confidence booster. If you are ever in a slump, and feeling really bad about yourself, just write a blog post about how depressed and awful you are, and everyone will comment nice things.

2. Harrison is finally back to drinking milk. It was funny, because for the first year of his life, breastmilk was his favorite of all the things. Then, because babies are the pickiest creatures, you try to switch them to cow's milk, and you get a big hell no. I was really concerned about him not drinking milk, obviously for developmental and health reasons, but primarily because he is the spawn of dairy farmers. You cannot have the grandson of the dairy farmer not drink milk.

3. He is almost a year and a half old (in 24 days). How did this happen? He also still does not speak, which is an issue.

Come get me, ladies

4. Harrison is starting to push our buttons. I was talking to my sister around Thanksgiving, and praising him for being such a good listener and so well-behaved. Have I NOT LEARNED ANYTHING in the 17 months since giving him life? Parents, listen closely: you cannot comment on your child's behaviors out loud unless you want to permanently jinx them and have them do a 180 on you. So now he likes to not listen when we say "no", climb his little ass up the stairs by himself, pull my coffee mug, which is full of coffee, off the end table and present it to me like it's nbd, etc etc... It's getting fun around here.

I swear those aren't horns

5. It actually is a really fun stage to be in with him. Sarcasm aside, obviously he does not come without his challenges, but his insanity is hilarious. The kid is psychotic but in a funny way, if that makes sense.

6. I have a fair share of pet peeves. Drivers who post up in the left lane on the highway. Carrots. When desserts don't have frosting. A more recently developed pet peeve of mine is the clothing section for babies. Easily, there is 5x the amount of girls' clothes than boys' and the girls' stuff is way cuter. Anyone who shops for babies knows this.

7. The Colts won their first playoff game ever last Saturday! I have this theory for the upcoming game (which is tomorrow) that if I really, truly visualize them winning, they will just win. I know that is a load of crap in reality, but I'm sticking with it.

If you think dressing him in Colts attire helped them win too, then you are correct

8. Harrison's favorite things:

• Food: Reeses Peanut Butter Cups/Ice Cream. Not even kidding. Also, fruit.
• Book: Where's Spot, courtesy of Joy Roberts for gifting it to him.
• Christmas Toy: this god damn LeapFrog Laptop . Now I want to chuck it through a window and never look back.
• Favorite thing of all time: Mr. Bear. Definitely Mr. Bear.

9. Instead of a New Years Resolution, I decided on a Wedding Resolution.. so basically the same thing, I just have extra motivation since the word "wedding" is involved. I have never been one to exercise. Not just that I don't exercise, but I actually despise it. But like any bride-to-be, I have high (and very distant) hopes of being fit and toned come the wedding day. So as a test to myself, I am attempting to complete 30 days of "30 Day Shred" by Jillian Michaels. If anyone has done one of her workouts, you basically want to die the entire time, which is not helped by the fact that she is screaming through the TV at you, "YOU SHOULD FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE RIGHT NOW!!!" "30 Day Shred" is one of her shorter workouts, so I feel as though I can work my way into the habit of working out every day, since it's a minimal amount of time. I'm on Day 4, only 26 left to go. 

10.  100 posts later, thank you for reading this blog and not thinking how sad and pathetic my life is. Actually, some of you may think that, which is fine because it's true, but thank you for not commenting those thoughts! 

Christmas-y Things

I went through and did some major renovations to my blog. After deleting some draft posts that never got published, I realized that this is actually post 99, not 100 like I previously claimed. Sorry to be a tease! This post will be full of a lot less excitement, and a lot more whining.

Dave's cousin is a Speech Pathologist- aka my favorite type of person lately. While we were in Watertown over the Thanksgiving holiday, she volunteered to do an evaluation on Harrison. Once again, she volunteered. I know I am psycho about his speech delay, but I just wanted to make it clear for the record that the evaluation was not something I proposed. The results were a little disheartening, but not a total scare... yet. He is a little behind where he should be at this point. So not great, but not bad either.

just like our double chins: not great, but not bad either

 However, if in two months, he hasn't shown any progress, then we are in a little more trouble, and might have to pursue the issue with his pediatrician/specialists. Obviously two months is a LOT of time, especially for someone who's brain is growing at a rapid pace, but the anxious mom over here is also like, but its only two months. Actually now more like 7 weeks. I hope my Speech Pathologist friends (you know who you are) are ready for me to talk their ears off!!

As you all know, I have an extremely lame social life and only have plans once every two months, on average. So when one of those rare occasions pops up, I'm basically looking forward to it obsessively for weeks. One of those events is coming up! My friend Anna is hosting a Christmas Dinner at her house, and it's the Second-Annual, which obviously makes it even more exciting. I can't decide what I'm more thrilled about: the fact that last year I was breastfeeding, and had to limit my wine intake, and this year I sure as hell don't have to, or that her house is literally 30 seconds around the corner from my parents, so there has never been an easier babysitting solution. Both, I think. I actually just love the Christmas season for the fact that it's the perfect excuse to throw parties, which leads me to feel really popular.

Christmas is also great for outfits like this

If anyone was wondering how my hiatus from Facebook was going- I'm loving it, actually. I had to log back in today temporarily to message someone whose contact information I would not know otherwise, but promptly re-deactivated once I fulfilled my conversation. It's basically the best of both worlds, because this way, I don't have to see everyone else's SHIT (yes that had to be capitalized for emphasis), and Dave informs me of all of the big, exciting, relevant news (like his friends getting engaged over the weekend! Congrats you two, who I don't think are readers anyway).

We got our tree over the weekend. After getting it home, we realized the fullness of the branches is extremely one-sided, but with some reorganization of our furniture, we have successfully made the tree look symmetrical. The good news is that Harrison HATES the prickly-ness, so we were able to decorate it, and put all of our presents under it, with no tampering from the toddler. That in itself is the biggest victory of them all. I'm also, for once, really ahead on things, like shopping, wrapping, decorating, etc etc... Here is some proof:

The main takeaway you should have from this picture is that I made those curtains

I have never been prouder of anything in my life

Are you ready for Christmas yet?

Random Holiday List

Ok guys, I know. I haven't blogged in a while. This will be my 99th post and I think I'm just scared of approaching the 100 mark because I know I'll never write a post as exciting as the 100th post should be. Just wait about 10 months and I'll have finally conjured something up.

And here's this beautiful sight in the meantime 

Let's do a list so I can catch you all up on all the excitement:

• Harrison has progressed from "dada" and "gaga" and has said an actual word: Dog.

I'm only counting it because I've heard a real solid "dog" out of him about four times. I will flip through books with him, and point at a dog, and ask him what it is, and he kinda stutters and makes some clucking noises, then finally manages a "d" and a "g" in some concoction that is definitely not English, but I'm counting it. 

• The holidays are approaching rapidly and I am not ready.

Actually, I have completed the gift purchasing for one family member, and Dave and I agreed to not do gifts this year as an attempt to budget (ha!) for our wedding, and Harrison doesn't know what the hell Christmas even is, so I guess that knocks out a few more. When people ask me what I'm getting for Harrison for Christmas, and I tell them a sled and that's it, and they proceed to look at me all horror-stricken, I think: and that's why the human race is greedy. A one year old will be perfectly happy with a sled, because he doesn't realize there are millions of other toys that he could have gotten in addition. I'm saving myself now while I can. Plus, let's not pretend that all of his other family members will spoil him. Let's also not pretend I fully intend to get him a puppy one year for Christmas so there's that too. 

I LOVE PUPPIES

• I removed myself from Facebook... temporarily.

Until I can't last any longer. My main reason for deactivating was that I felt it took me too much away from Harrison. Not that I won't be on my phone every now and then to text, Instagram, or check Twitter, but I felt that checking Facebook on the reg not only distracted me from Harrison, I just felt like I was getting to the point where the majority of what I saw on Facebook was negative and/or annoying me. I really don't care about some bitch that wore blue eyeshadow to your class. Not to say I'm above indulging in a good Facebook stalk every now and then, but I just really don't care about most other people. Sorry I'm not sorry.

• Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I plan to eat all the things.

  

  SAMESIES

And drink all the things. That's all. 

Are you as excited to stuff your face for Thanksgiving as I am? 

Dada

It's no surprise that I cannot stand when other moms make false claims about their babies. Actually, one of my only mommy-friends and I have a sport of texting each other when we see a false, delusional claim and making fun of that mom endlessly, while also patting ourselves on that back for not being deranged like that. So, the other night, an event occurred that I don't even know I can share publicly, since I'm afraid that people won't believe it.

Or maybe it's because I don't believe it either. Too good to be true, or something. Keep in mind that my son is nearly 15 months old. He may or may not have said his first word. He was in the bath, and after like 100 times of us obnoxiously saying "dada" in his face, he looked at us and repeated it! Albeit very slowly, like "da......da" but maybe that still counts? Votes? We also were screaming "Yay!!" in his face right after and he looked very proud of himself so again, that counts, right? 

And the silence ends... now. For forever.

Either way, it's going in the baby book so that I can pretend to no longer be paranoid that he's behind and/or has a learning disability. Sidenote: he's actually really smart, and comprehends a lot, so really I think he's fine. Like when we say "Harrison, show us your belly!" he immediately pulls his shirt way up, like over his face, and flashes us. It is the. cutest. thing. If you've never witnessed this side show before, I suggest you find a way to LeRoy, NY to see the Flashing Baby ASAP.

For my next trick, watch me walk around in the shoes of giants

Halloween is later this week. Some of you already know what Harrison and I (and Dave) are dressing up as, but since I have no pictures yet, the rest of you will have to wait. Part of me does not know why I paid money to dress the entire family up for a whopping 30 minutes, while we Trick-or-Treat with a child who hates all humans and all experiences that are outside of his own dwelling, but what's done is done. To add to the misery, Harrison and I are meeting one of my friends at the Strong Museum of Play for their Trick-or-Treating event as well. So, two rounds of Trick-or-Treating for the Boy Who Hates All The Things. It should definitely be interesting, and if all else fails (which it will), at least I will have collected so much candy to drown my sorrows in. Next year, or possibly the year after- if I can stand to wait, I am pulling the "I ate all of your Halloween candy" trick on him to see how hilarious his reaction is. If you think that's cruel, you've obviously never seen the Jimmy Kimmel skit about it... watch that shit now.

Ridiculously large cowboy hats are my FAVORITE 

What are you dressing up as for Halloween?

Weekend Freedom

Just wanted to do a quick Sunday blog post because I can. That's right, mommy is Free.

Let me get into a little back story. The reason why I'm free is a complicated one- Dave and Harrison are in Watertown, but since I am a server, weekends are hard for me to take off, so I stayed home to work. This is the second time in two months that Dave and Harrison have left me to go to Watertown, because they are needed back home to help out with Dave's dad...

At the end of July, Dave's dad got in a very serious accident on their family farm. He got run over by a cattle trailer that had been backing up to drop cows off. Neither saw the other, and Greg was pulled under the trailer for it's entire length. The full cattle trailer had 8 inches of clearance off the ground, so just try to picture that for a second. Greg had a long list of injuries, including but not limited to: both broken hips, shattered pelvis, 16 broken ribs, broken collarbone, 2 broken vertebrae, and both lungs collapsed. I'm sure there were more. After three surgeries, 5 units of blood, a day on the ventilator, and 6 weeks in the hospital, he is finally home, but in a wheelchair while he undergoes physical therapy to relearn how to put weight on his hips, and essentially, walk. He is expected to make a full recovery, but life is definitely changed for the Porter's for the time being.

If I was ever unsure where Harrison got that face from... I know now. 

To read a full article on the accident: Click here

I don't know why it took me so long to write a post about the accident, seeing as it is nearly three months later. I guess it's just hard to put words to such a scary incident. But everyone is so glad that Greg is ok!

Including Harrison, whose new favorite thing to do is run up and down the ramp they built for Greg to get into the house. And also play with the 4398 barn cats.. which frightens me. 

So long story short, I am a free lady this weekend. Friday night, I went out in Rochester with the ladies to see our favorite band (aka to be groupies). Not sure why, maybe because the bar was packed, we hardly even watched them, and instead posted up at the bar for the majority of the night. This worked to our advantage, since my one lady became BFFs with the bartender, who then made us free shots. If anyone knows me, they know I love shots (the song Shots by LMFAO is my #1 favorite song of LIFE), but if there is anything better than shots, it's free shots.

Saturday was spent on the couch for the majority of the day, which is fine by me, because I never get to do that, then followed by working last night.

Today, I slept in til 9- glory of glories right there. I'm now leisurely drinking my coffee, which in combination with sleeping in, is one of the best feelings EVER. Please be jealous of the total of 4 days out of 365 that I get to sleep in.

One last thing, and completely random, but can we all admire two things:

1. How BEAUTIFUL MY SON IS

2. How amazing our photographer is (http://roseannalynnphotography.org/)

How was your weekend?

Do you think sleeping in feels as good as I do??

The Worst Season

Now that it's October, my social media outlets are getting flooded with weirdos praising Fall. Nothing in life infuriates me more than people professing their love for "sweater weather". I obviously live in the wrong region, so maybe I'm the crazy one, but what is so exciting and fun about being trapped, literally stuck inside your house, in 2 feet of snow? Nothing.

I am one of those freaks that are always cold (however, I'm not as bad as my sister). As in, I have a sweater on when it's 72 degrees out. Thus, I really, really hate the cold weather, and in fact- would unofficially diagnose myself with seasonal depression. It's worse this year, since I have an actual toddler to entertain, and my main form of brightening his day was to bring him outside and let him run around like a madman. I know he will still want to play outside, but I cannot tolerate the cold, so it should be a fun battling of wills. Spoiler alert: he will win. He just will.

Can't say no to this face

I also hate pie.

The thought of pie just makes me CRINGE

 Call me a terrorist. All these people are like "yay, it's pie season". Wtf does that even mean? There's a season to eat pie? You can't eat that shit year-round? The only pies I like are non-pies, like chocolate peanut butter pie, and pecan pie, which is basically pure sugar on a plate. Also, pumpkin pie, which brings me to my next point:

The only Fall praise I can give is to the reintroduction of everything pumpkin. Let me list all the delicious ways you can eat pumpkin: pumpkin lattes, pumpkin pie, Joy's pumpkin cheesecake brownie bars, Joy's pumpkin shakes (mom- this is a not-so subtle hint to please make these again this year), pumpkin bagels, pumpkin muffins... Need I go on? 

So all in all, expect me to like you a little bit less (or a lot less) if you say anything about how yesterday, when it was 79 degrees out and beautiful, that you were miserable and wanted cold weather instead. Or if you say anything about how you like snow. Snow is the devil. I wouldn't mind if it never snowed, and yes, that includes Christmas.

How am I supposed to wear this hat though? 

Basically, I need to move to California. Bye, bitches. 

In other news, this weekend was pretty uneventful. I cleaned, Dave and I had some friends over, and I worked. Wait, no, the only eventful part was the Colts' win yesterday over the Seahawks.

 Usually, I get excited when they win (obviously), but it was even better yesterday because the game was actually aired locally. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Why? Because of the damn Buffalo Bills. Again, reasons why I need to move to a different geological area: The Bills suck only slightly less than the annoyance of Bills' fans. Done, I said it.

What do you love/hate about the fall & colder weather?

Are you a Bills fan? If so, leave this blog and never come back.